A Light after the Dark
by KidC879
Summary: Hera grapples with her emotions in the moments after Jacen's birth. Oneshot including flashback with Kanan inspired by the way Kanan stroked Hera's hand in Season 4 Episode 7 Kindred.


A/N I only discovered fanfiction within the past year, and this is the first story I've completed. Word on the street is we're supposed to point out that we're not George Lucas, Disney, Dave Filoni, or the like. If only...

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Oh, gods. The midwife droid placed the small greenish-tan bundle on her chest, and a sob of pure joy erupted from Hera. She leaned down to rub her cheek against a thatch of green fuzz - her baby has hair! - and felt her heart swell as if it were growing to make room for him.

She explored her little one, gently peeling open a clenched fist to stroke a silken palm and the tips of tiny fingers. Tucking the hand against the baby's chest, Hera's own hand made its way to the soft, plump belly and curved around to the backside that fit in her hand. The baby emitted a sweet chirp, and her hand returned to the tiny face, fingertips caressing a cheek. The baby blinked open his eyes, and under the puffy newborn lids Hera saw green-blue irises. So much like, yet different from, Kanan's turquoise gaze. The eyes that had captured her heart and still held it even after they lost their beautifully saturated color.

She suddenly felt a crack in her chest, and the sobs shifted from joy to profound grief. Her face soon had rivers of tears running uncontrollably down her cheeks, wetting the baby's hair. Kanan, oh gods, Kanan! He should be here! He would want to be here in this moment. She imagined the wonder and love that would be all over his face, and it was as though he died all over again. He _deserved_ to be here now, feeling his own immense and battered heart expand to envelop their child. Her heart shattered, and she buried her face in the tiny baby's hair. This is Kanan's _son_.

The baby began bobbing his head, heavy on a weak neck, on her chest, and she realized it - he - was seeking to nurse. She shifted, sitting more upright and cradling him near her breast. She guided his head toward her nipple and gasped when he found it with his tiny mouth.

Hera closed her eyes. It felt so foreign and yet so familiar. It felt downright _uncomfortable_ to have someone else touch her so intimately, and she missed Kanan her lover. Kanan had loved taking her nearly to her peak by simply teasing her breasts with his tongue, those lips. His son's mouth elicited memories of so many nights of pleasure with his father, even as the sensations took on a new, utilitarian purpose. Her heart caught in her throat as she remembered her last time with Kanan, the night that brought her to this moment. Her grief was raw again.

 _In the haze after lovemaking, Hera recognized that something had felt different, more momentous in their exertions this time. Laying entangled together, Kanan took her hand and held it as though he were looking at it. When she finally murmured an inquiry, he stroked a knuckle with his thumb and brought it to his lips. The significance dawned on her just as he began to respond: that was what some humans called the ring finger._

" _When did your parents get married?"_

 _She was flustered when she realized she didn't know. "Maybe a few years before I was born?" She thought of the Kalikori and felt more sure of her answer._

 _Kanan wove their fingers together. "I know nothing of my own parents. I was too young to remember anything when the Jedi brought me to the Temple. I don't know if they were together or not. If I had siblings or cousins. The Jedi were my family, so I never thought of them." He hesitated. "Not knowing never bothered me until now."_

 _Hera took in his passive face fixed on their hands. Suddenly she imagined a handsome father looking just as stoic, comforting his family as the Jedi walked away with their son. She felt sad knowing that they never got to see how truly special he had become. But then it occurred to her that he had probably already been just as special to them, and Hera felt even sadder._

" _I had a little brother," Hera confessed to the bunk above their heads. Kanan turned toward her. "He was my best friend. He died when we were little. My parents never talked about it." Hera looked back at Kanan. "He shouldn't have died, and we shouldn't have lost him. That's when I first wanted to fight the Empire myself - for him and what his death did to my family."_

 _She was afraid Kanan would be hurt that she had never told him. There was something about his silence, though, that told her he understood._

 _Kanan squeezed the hand he was still holding. "I wasn't prepared to fight the Empire for the family I didn't know or anyone else - or even for the memory of the Jedi family I had lost. But you brought me out of the shadows and back into the Light." He was quiet for a long while, and Hera waited. He kissed her hand again. Finally, "I didn't always fight for those families, but I will always fight for ours."_

 _Hera curled against his chest at that, and her mind wandered to the kids, the teens they had shepherded into adulthood. Kanan gathered her in his arms._

" _What was his name?" he asked._

" _Jacen."_

Hera regarded the baby cradled against her. He would never know his father, just as Kanan hadn't known his own. He would never feel his father's embrace or hear his father's encouragement. Hera thought of Ezra, of what a good father and mentor Kanan had become for him. She knew, she _knew_ what an amazing father Kanan would have been for this little one.

Hera sat up a little higher, closed her eyes, and lifted her chin to the ceiling as she took a grounding breath. Jacen - yes, she decided, she would honor her brother, his uncle - was both so light and so heavy in her arms. As deep as her pain was that Kanan was gone, her profound joy that Jacen had arrived was deeper. She would honor her brother with his name, and she would honor her son's father by keeping Kanan's memory alive. Not buried in her heart or denied for the sake of avoiding her grief. This child, this son of a Jedi, she resolved, would know how much his father had loved their family, what a good and noble man he had been, and that he had sacrificed himself over and over - from the day he raised his lightsaber against the Empire to the day he died - to save them all.

Opening her eyes, she caught the first light of dawn warming the windows. Hera kissed Jacen's head and breathed in his sweet scent. Today marked a new beginning in love and Light.


End file.
